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Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/4/2008 12:19:08 PM
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brianm73
Posts: 37
Joined: 11/4/2008
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Let me start by saying I was the husband that does not deserve a good wife. We have been together for about 20 years and married for about 16. During those 20 years, I have been abusive, physically and mentally. Add to that 11 years ago I had an affair, and told my wife about it 3 years ago. The reason why I told her was because I was trying to give my life to Christ and felt convicted to tell her. The problem was after I told her I still treated her badly. I have not cheated on her since, but was not loving at all. NOT VERY CHRISTIAN. Well, I stepped away from God and became very, very bitter and my hatred towards my wife grew. Finally a month ago, we had our last fight. An of course I said things, that I regret and left the house.
The first day out I found a Christian Counselor and have seen him every week since. Four days later, my wife allowed me to stay at the house, but not sleep in the same bed. Two days later, she allowed me to sleep in the bed, but I have to stay on my side with my blanket and I CAN NOT touch her. She will not wear our wedding ring and says that she could never love me as a husband again. We both went to see "Fire Proof", and I am currently trying to do the Love Dare, but at times it has been very hard.
I know I screwed up and am taking steps to make God my prority, but my wife will not go to a Marriage Counselor with me. She feels that she has done nothing wrong, there fore she should not have to. She said she should not have to be the one to file for divorice either, but at the same time says she can not do this any more!
I know it will take time to heal and I am praying everyday, and I humbly ask everyone that reads this to pray. I am trying to become the man God created me to be, and I love my wife. So, Please pray for her. Pray that the devil would stop putting imagizes in her head. And that she too would give her life to Christ and save this marriage!
Edited TOS 5
< Message edited by Kath -- 11/4/2008 5:55:03 PM >
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/4/2008 1:07:41 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10366
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From: Lone Star State
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It is YOU that I will pray for Brian. Prayer that you will become the husband that God intends you to be and that you will be able to show your wife Christ's life in you. That is who she will fall for and love you for.
I am no different than you. I too must keep Jesus as my Head, keep Him in my heart, allow His Spirit to lead me in my every action.
Patience brother. Hurts like your wife has had don't go away easily. I know all too well. But they can be overcome. With His help.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/4/2008 1:17:07 PM
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hnt
Posts: 537
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
I know I screwed up and am taking steps to make God my prority, but my wife will not go to a Marriage Counselor with me. She feels that she has done nothing wrong, there fore she should not have to. She said she should not have to be the one to file for divorice either, but at the same time says she can not do this any more!
Don't force her hand on the counselor issue. You need to show that you can change into the man God intended, and plan on staying that way no matter which direction she wishes to go.
Deal with your brokeness, and concentrate on you...leave her alone for now. She has her own healing and growth to deal with - which she will do in her own time!
I will pray for you and your family!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/4/2008 1:22:39 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4457
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
She feels that she has done nothing wrong, there fore she should not have to. She said she should not have to be the one to file for divorice either, but at the same time says she can not do this any more!
although it seems even the innocent parties can take a little of the blame, she is mostly right. you posted you had an affair and then continued to treat her bad for years. it is your job to make her love you again. the good news is that your thoughts and your actions over time can lead her feeling romantic love toward you again! one idea could be for you to try this ... and i don't know specifics of your relationship so you can decide if it possibly might help for you would be to acknowledge you screwed up and want to be a better husband and she if she'll do an emotional needs questionnaire: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html
you don't do one for yourself, right now you are only focused on meeting her needs and making her feel better about you ... this means there can be no angry outbursts, disrespect, or demands. that will hurt your cause. you are basically going to have to forget about yourself for a bit to try to meet her needs - don't push any issues. for example, you brought up her saying 'no touch' in bed, as much as that might be hard for you, you will need to respect that and don't push any boundaries. damage started 11 years ago, this will not get better over night but you can do it. on second thought, it might be too soon to bring up the questionnaire unless you see an opening, such as discussing Fire Proof. just try to be the husband that God wants you to be and avoid doing any more damage. if you need to vent about something that she's doing that's really bothering you, come here and post or tell your counselor, no fights! i will be praying for you.
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/4/2008 1:51:08 PM
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hotsaucygma
Posts: 3097
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Speaking as a woman that was in a very difficult marriage for 29 years before we divorced, I can say that it took me 6 to 8 months of being alone to even be able to think straight again. It took probably a year or more before I was able to consider the possibility of a relationship ever again and probably another 6 to 8 months before I could start thinking about what I would have to do differently if I ever did want to try a relationship again... and that was without him there reminding me by actions and/or words of what I had gone through for 29 years. Of course I had committed "wrongs" too, and would have needed to go to counseling just as much as he if he had been willing to, however it would have taken quite a bit of time for me to be able to see that.
If you want to keep your marriage together, it is not going to be easy or quick. There is no guarentee she will respond ever. You will truly have to put your own wants/needs aside, possibly for a long time. Right now I would guess she doesn't really believe this change of heart of yours will last. It will take time to rebuild trust.
Keep going to counseling (I hope it is based on good Christian counseling). Keep working on you. Let her decide when to work on "her".
_____________________________
Dear Lord, let my words today be as sweet and delicious as cheesecake... for tomorrow I may have to eat them!
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/4/2008 4:10:38 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8069
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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Broken people and broken marriages take a long time to heal. Thinking that your wife ought to see your change and trust you again is a form of abuse.
You must be broken over your sin and deeply feel the pain you have caused your wife. It is amazing that she has let you back home and back to your bed. You should be extremely thankful for that. Focus on surrendering to the Lord. If you are impatient, this is not of the Lord, but is an area that you need work on. This should be explored, as it is most likely part of the cycle of abuse.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/4/2008 5:03:01 PM
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allisonbrett
Posts: 204
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I agree with the others, it will take a lot of time, patience, understanding and WORK! You figure you're wife has dealt with 20 years that will take a lot of time to heal. I'll join the others in praying for you but please understand that she will need to see that you are chaning and not mere words.
As long as there is breath in her body there is hope so don't give up. Continue with the counseling, work on being the best man you can be and show God that you mean business. Allow Him to mold you into the man He wants you to be. Find a male Christian mentor/accountability partner that can help you grow and mature spiritually, emotionally and will call you out when you falter. When you allow God to change who you are inside it will begin to show on the outside. Don't pressure her but allow her to see the transformation. Pray for her but avoid any talk of reconciliation until you have done some major repair work in your own life. She'll need time, space and proof that you are becoming a man after God's own heart. Set aside any time elements and put your focus on the Lord.
Blessings to you both!
_____________________________
Allison's World My Blog
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/4/2008 10:03:07 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 321
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quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
Pray that the devil would stop putting imagizes in her head. And that she too would give her life to Christ and save this marriage!
Edited TOS 5
Whatever ugly images are in her head resulted from your bad treatment of her. Your post starts out well but by the end of it you are starting to squirrel around by talking about her issues & the devil. You are not truly taking responsibility yet.
Frankly, if she really wants a divorce, she has the right to it.
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mr tigger
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/5/2008 7:45:30 AM
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MisterTR
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Joined: 5/23/2008
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Good advice so far. Focus on yourself. But when you do, don't label yourself as a "bad" husband. I don't like the title of this thread. Acknowledge sins, ask forgiveness, repent --- yes. Beat up on yourself? No, that's not helpful.
In Christ we can all be a new creation. Hard to trust that promise sometimes.
Don't forget that real life is often two steps forward, and one step back in relationships. Not quite as neat and packaged as in movies like Fireproof. (Of course they need to get it all in 2 hours...)
_____________________________
"And we know that all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/5/2008 8:32:58 AM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 117
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After you have treated her as a loving husband should perhaps she will learn to believe in you again. It has taken you almost 20 years to beat her down to this point, I think you can give her a couple of years to recover and trust you again?
You are blessed to be able to start this process while in your own home, many have to do it after they have been thrown out...
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
THE WAY.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/5/2008 1:31:46 PM
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Wild-Rose
Posts: 427
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
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quote:
I know I screwed up and am taking steps to make God my prority, but my wife will not go to a Marriage Counselor with me. She feels that she has done nothing wrong, there fore she should not have to.
Did she do anything wrong?
I'm thinking maybe you are implying that she did something wrong to take the heat off yourself.
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Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/5/2008 1:41:45 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8069
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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Obviously your wife thinks you are the one that needs the help. The thing about this is that you have harmed your wife and you are the one who needs to repent. You should not expect her to do anything whatsoever. Focus on being thankful that she has not called the police to have you removed. I'm wondering if you recognize that you do not deserve anything from your wife and she is doing you a favor as it is.
I do not want to condemn you and that is not my point. It's not good to focus on thinking you are a bad husband, because you don't have to be a bad husband. I am just pointing out that you were a bad husband and have taught your wife this over a period of many years. Telling her you have changed goes against everything you have shown her for years and years. I suggest you begin to try to make ammends and do not expect your wife to participate at all. Think of things you can do to help her heal. An example would be to pay buy her a gift certificate for a massage. If she doesn't use it, don't get upset, but at least purchase it and make it available to her. You have hurt her. Buy her something that will help heal her. If she accepts it, do it as often as you can afford to. Ask the Lord for ideas on what you can do to help bring healing where you have caused pain.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/5/2008 1:57:57 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4457
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Wild-Rose
I'm thinking maybe you are implying that she did something wrong to take the heat off yourself.
i just wanted to add i don't think the OP's counseling offer was bad or in wrong motivation. OP says he repented and is trying to make steps to repair the damage. it seems to be intention with counseling would be an open line of communication where wife can tell you effectively what to do to improve instead of stumbling in the dark. he acknowledges many times what he did wrong and was hoping counseling would help him repair damage. well since she won't go, i still think you just need to concentrate on being best husband you can and try to always be positive and never say/do anything negative toward her ... in hopes that one day she wants to save something ... do you two have any children?
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/5/2008 2:46:25 PM
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all4aremine
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As a woman that got out of an abusive marriage, I strongly encourage you to keep asking her to go to counseling, if not with you, by herself. She may have not done a single thing, but the effects of abuse are long lasting unless she deals with it.
I have found the best man in the world, but ever so often his temper gets the best of him and I flinch or flee as soon as he raises his voice. Now mind you he has never raised his hand to me or any other woman, its just my reaction because of my ex-husband.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/5/2008 2:57:17 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8069
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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I agree that she most likely needs counseling, but at this time she is unlikely to follow any advice he gives her. He needs to be patient and pray for healing for his wife. Hopefully things will improve to the point that she will seek counseling, perhaps on her own after he has been praying for her to receive the help she needs.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/5/2008 5:33:50 PM
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Sadey
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Living with an abusive, acoholic or drug dependent husband or wife, is not a marriage. The other spouse's hands are tied, most couples get to work on problems as they come up and deal with them. But if you are in one of the above marriages, you don't get to work on the normal problems of marriage because you can't get past the abuse, booze or drugs. You never can get past them until or unless it stops.
This husband never gave his wife and himself a chance to have a marriage. Now he can but he will have to start from scratch as there is nothing to build on because there was never anything there. But it is never too late for God to heal this marriage. But it will be a lot of hard work.
God bless and I hope you can and will do the work necessary to build a marriage with this woman
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/6/2008 12:31:09 AM
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creationtalk
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Brian, it took me a while to decide if I would post here or not. My husband was abusive and cheated on my while I was pregnant with our child--told me to leave his home before ds was born and asked for a divorce soon after. After a time, he came back and said that he wanted to try again...I agreed solely because I wanted my son to have his parents together, but I was willing to truly try to heal the marriage. But I couldn't trust him...what I needed was for him to SHOW ME through his actions, over time, that things would be different. But he wasn't willing to do that, when I wouldn't respond the way he wanted immediately, he got angry and proved over and over that if I were stupid enough to remarry, that he would treat me just as horribly as he had before, if not worse.
Your wife has been horribly hurt for a very long time. If you truly want to make your marriage work, then you need decide that you will expect nothing from your wife. You need to be willing to love her in action and verbally, no matter what she says or does for as long as it takes. And as has been mentioned before, you may have to do this for a matter of years. You have a lot of hurt to heal. When you start placing the blame on her or expecting instant restoration, you are basically telling her that nothing has changed. Consider this: it takes 1 negative comment to undo 20 positive comments. So you have 20 years of negative comments and actions that you have to replace with positive comments and actions. And the first one is acknowledging to your wife that YOU s-----d up. That you have made bad choices and hurt her--with no rationalization.
You say that you want your wife to become a Christian... Before your wife can become a Christian, you need to show her Christ in you--and you have admitted that what she's seen the past few years is pretty far from "Christ".
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/6/2008 1:05:47 PM
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brianm73
Posts: 37
Joined: 11/4/2008
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Thank you "iwillfearnoevil", each day I come in and read these post that the members have placed in response to my origianal. An you are the only one that truly understood what I was saying. I admit I am to blame and that I have alot of work to do. But, she has been hurt, therefore she needs help, too! And she need Christ to heal her! I still have a lot of faults to change, but with my counseling, my disciplining classes, and faith in Christ I will be healed and I will become a new creature. Thank you again.
_____________________________
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/6/2008 1:09:42 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8069
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
Thank you "iwillfearnoevil", each day I come in and read these post that the members have placed in response to my origianal. An you are the only one that truly understood what I was saying. I admit I am to blame and that I have alot of work to do. But, she has been hurt, therefore she needs help, too! And she need Christ to heal her! I still have a lot of faults to change, but with my counseling, my disciplining classes, and faith in Christ I will be healed and I will become a new creature. Thank you again.
Brian, It is truly a wonderful thing that your heart has changed and that you are wanting to work for healing in your marriage. Those of us posting here want to see your marriage healed. Please consider that if you are feeling misunderstood here and perhaps picked on that your wife is probably coming from a similar position as we are, only more so since she is the one who is hurt. Perhaps that will give you some perspective.
Have you prayed that you will be able to see things from your wife's point of view?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/6/2008 1:11:53 PM
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all4aremine
Posts: 55
Joined: 7/24/2008
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I agree with Cynthia. I am not knocking you for changing and wanting to heal your marriage. I am just saying that you should keep encouraging her to go so that she can heal also.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/6/2008 1:22:13 PM
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brianm73
Posts: 37
Joined: 11/4/2008
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I understand what each one of you are saying about showing proof of change. An God is working with me about my selfishness and seeing her side of it. I have a long way to go, and it is not goiung to be easy.
_____________________________
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/6/2008 1:26:11 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8069
Joined: 3/31/2005
From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
I understand what each one of you are saying about showing proof of change. An God is working with me about my selfishness and seeing her side of it. I have a long way to go, and it is not goiung to be easy.
Nope it's not easy, but it is so worth it! My husband and I have been through a lot. He and I both had serious issues in our marriage. I was very agressive and verbally abusive. He was passive agressive. It was horrible. We separated for over two years. The Lord has done miracles in our marriage. We now have three beautiful children and a happy family life. Praise the Lord!
ETA: Our separation was over about 20 years ago. We have now been married for 24 years and it gets better all the time.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/6/2008 1:35:47 PM
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brianm73
Posts: 37
Joined: 11/4/2008
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I pray that one day I can post a message that says the same. God bless you!!
_____________________________
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: Bad husband wanting to save marriage - 11/6/2008 6:27:31 PM
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cindybode
Posts: 1559
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Northwest PA
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You have gotten a lot of excellent advice. May I suggest checking out THIS site? You will find a lot of help on how to heal your wife there.
You need to understand that suggesting that your wife participate in counseling feels abusive to her. She hasn't done anything wrong. I totally see what you mean in that counseling will help her deal with the hurt you've dished out, but she's not there yet. To her, it seems like you're trying to place the blame on her. You need to back off on the counseling bit and just let her see the changes in you. Expect it to take awhile for her to trust you again.
It's really pretty simple - love your wife as Christ loved the church. Lay down your life (and your pride, and your preferences, and the remote) for her. Love her unconditionally, and serve her in every way you can, for the rest of your life.
I said it was simple. I didn't say it was easy.
_____________________________
If you lock in any creature, from rats to chickens to pigs to people, 10 to 30 or more in a box and force feed them you'll create little monsters. Confinement Education School Operations (CESOs) just don't compare to naturally pastured free-ranged kids.
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