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Emotional abuse I really need support and help - 12/2/2008 2:40:39 PM
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crystarose18
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I've been in emotionally abusive relationships starting with my mom and extending through boyfriends and now that I am married, I'm realizing, I fell for it again. We married quickly as he was moving. I thought he was different because he is a Christian (I don't question that he is), but he is emotionally abusive and I do not believe it's even on purpose and he truly doesn't understand or see what he does....He learned it from his dad. The thing is...I want to be happy...I don't want to hurt all the time. But, divorce isn't really an option, and we have no money or insurance for counseling, not sure if he even would go, but I can't take it anymore and I have no idea what to do.
< Message edited by crystarose18 -- 12/2/2008 4:07:50 PM >
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/2/2008 3:16:49 PM
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csl7037
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can you explain what he does?
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/2/2008 3:25:08 PM
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crystarose18
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Anytime I have a differing opinion, he gets angry, rolls his eyes and makes me feel like my opinion is worthless. He makes decisions based on what he wants and disregards anything I say no matter how sensible or rational it is. He gets angry and is withholding whenever he's unhappy with other areas of his life which is mostly every day. He's hateful towards everyone he knows, doesn't know, me, you name it. He takes and takes and takes and I give and give and give, but there is no love returned to me.
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/2/2008 3:31:53 PM
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crystarose18
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If I try and bring up how I feel hurt when he fill in the blank, he always finds a way to make me feel bad if I stand up for myself.
< Message edited by karlie -- 12/2/2008 11:52:31 PM >
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/2/2008 4:55:58 PM
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csl7037
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I just pm'ed you. I saw your pm to me before I saw your posts.
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/2/2008 6:35:33 PM
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pbaribeault
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If you are being abused, the best plan is (at least) a short term separation. It's not divorce, or 'leaving your husband' -- it's simply that men who abuse their wives loose the right to live together with them until they establish a new trust that they have left that behaviour behind.
I know that sounds hard. It might be only for a few weeks, or it could be much longer, depending how he chooses to respond. You need to face the practicalities, even in your pain and fear.
Chances are that your town has a shelter for abused women -- Yes, emotional abuse 'counts'.
Chances are your Church and Pastor can give you some initial support and counsel. If not yours, try another large-ish one. They tend to be open to the needs even of perfect strangers.
Chances are that someone you know has a soft heart and a guest room.
Chances are that you can get at least a low-level job to earn a living, and, if not, there must be some kind of gov't support for the poor.
Don't forget to take any personal documents, birth certificate, health insurance, bank information etc. with you, so that you can conduct your life without having to return for these kinds of things.
It's daunting, but nothing should keep you in an abusive relationship, unless you have strength, hope, and a plan where you have chosen to stay.
Some reading might help. I'd recommend 'Boundaries' and 'Boundaries in Marriage' by Cloud & Townsend. (For your devotionals you might start with the Gospel of John, then 1-2-3 John. There's good comfort and solid truth about our Saviour and our God that you really need right now.)
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/2/2008 6:40:44 PM
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csl7037
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Isn't it drastic to recommend leaving knowing so little about the situation, though?
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/2/2008 9:13:55 PM
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pbaribeault
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quote:
Isn't it drastic to recommend leaving knowing so little about the situation, though?
quote:
If you are being abused, the best plan is separation... unless you have strength, hope, and a plan where you have chosen to stay. If there is abuse, separation is very important. I don't need to know more than that, because I'm not the one who needs to assess if the abuse is present or not. If there's no abuse, there's no reason to take any recommendation -- it simply doesn't apply.
crystalrose is the one that needs to assess the presence and severity of the abuse, and she also needs to assess her own strength, skills and hope level. Since these are not things anybody can do for her, I simply added some clarity for the option of separation, since she has already stated that she believes abuse to be the case.
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/2/2008 9:40:34 PM
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hnt
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
Isn't it drastic to recommend leaving knowing so little about the situation, though?
I don't think she recommended it, but she did put it on the table. If there is indeed emotional abuse going on it most certainly needs to be looked at.
This is something she more of the personal touch than internet recommendations. Its to far reaching most of the time.
If you have a pattern of behavior, and not just being a putz like we all can be at times - there is a huge different. That huge difference can ruin lifes.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/3/2008 1:13:46 AM
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crystarose18
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I appreciate those who posted support and suggestions. As I mentioned I'm not a stranger to emotional abuse, so let's be clear I'm not just "throwing the term out there". I'd also like for people to understand that in this situation, if someone IS in any abuse situation, what someone does NOT need is accusation. Think about it...they're trying to get help and being hurt on a site like this only makes it feel like you are more alone. So again. Thank you thank you to those who understood and gave support. None of the solutions or answers are easy or quick, but it's comforting to know that I can be strong and take a proactive response to being hurt all the time. Anyway, we just moved so we don't have a home church yet, but when we do, it could help. I'm also looking for online support group since this doesn't seem to be the place. Thanks.
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/3/2008 9:17:42 AM
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pbaribeault
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So, in 4 days, after you've gone to a Church service next Sunday, you will approach the pastoral staff for help? (Unless the Church you try is clearly unsuitable?) I'm Canadian, but don't you-all have social services down there? Can't you get help, support, shelter & such through the gov't or gov't supported agencies? Look it up.
Really, you need actual real-live Christian support, not words on a screen -- and you need them to support you to take action, not just lavish sympathy on you for being so stuck and hurt all the time. There is no sense in dilly-dallying -- the best hope for the recovery of your marriage is to get out sooner rather than later.
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/3/2008 9:25:00 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
Isn't it drastic to recommend leaving knowing so little about the situation, though?
agreed. we don't know what this abuse entails, there were no examples listed. and it's possible it is both ways without one realizing it. obviously any form of abuse is tragic and needs to be dealt with but there are many varying descriptions of what this entails (unfortunately it seems some people from past experience are quick to label it). (not saying this is the case here) also separation shouldn't be done lightly without planning. just leaving and returning a few weeks later if husband seems to react positively, doesn't seem like it would be productive long term.
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/3/2008 9:42:57 AM
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pbaribeault
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Nobody should be encouraged to live with abuse. Ever.
I can't imagine why it makes sense to question someone's self assessment on an issue like abuse. It's not my job to go behind them fact-check for them... and the OP did not ask for help in considering whether or not her husband is (or isn't) abusive. She believes she knows the answer to that question, and would like to know how to respond accordingly.
And: if abuse is 'both ways' how is that an argument for not separating?
And: how exactly does one 'plan' a separation with an abusive partner? "Excuse me, dear, I know that you need to feel in control of situations and people, but I think I should leave you. What moving day works best for you? Can I have the bed, or do you want it?" Seriously!
What, exactly, is the problem with stepping away from the daily experience of being abused, finding one's feet and then making a sensible plan for hope and reconciliation?
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/3/2008 10:01:28 AM
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laura...
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One way or another the message "I won't tolerate your behavior toward me any more" has to be delivered and received.
In some cases, a sit down conversation is enough to get that message across. In other cases, it takes removing yourself - separation. Of course, there may be a way to communicate that message somewhere inbetween those two options. Regardless, that message has to be given.
Perhaps you could sit down and really examine what you have done so far to give him that message. Write out a list of what you've done and what you could do. Then pray and ask God to show you other options for how to get the message that you won't live with that behavior across to him.
I pray that it won't take separation but that has to be an option on the table.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/3/2008 1:43:24 PM
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sowaseed
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Joined: 12/3/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: crystarose18
I appreciate those who posted support and suggestions. As I mentioned I'm not a stranger to emotional abuse, so let's be clear I'm not just "throwing the term out there". I'd also like for people to understand that in this situation, if someone IS in any abuse situation, what someone does NOT need is accusation. Think about it...they're trying to get help and being hurt on a site like this only makes it feel like you are more alone. So again. Thank you thank you to those who understood and gave support. None of the solutions or answers are easy or quick, but it's comforting to know that I can be strong and take a proactive response to being hurt all the time. Anyway, we just moved so we don't have a home church yet, but when we do, it could help. I'm also looking for online support group since this doesn't seem to be the place. Thanks.
I have been in your situation most of my life, childhood and adulthood. It seems that you put yourself there before you even know it because it is what you are "comfortable" with. I just remarried again and even though my husband isn't a bad man, I believe he has manipulated and played mental games for so long, that he doesn't even realize he is doing it. He talks to me the same way in a lot of issues like your husband does to you. I am not an expert by any means because everyone of us are different in our own situations, but I have realized that most of the abusive relationships that I put myself into was because of the one common denominator, low self-esteem. When I learn to gather up all of my hurts, bitterness and insecurities and begin to understand what they are and how it makes me feel, put them all in a bag, and give it to God, is when I know I will be free. Don't judge your self-worth through another person's eyes but through God's eyes. Even though I know deep down in my heart how to resolve the situation, I am not strong enough too. Sometimes an individual needs to learn how to let things go with help from others and a lot of prayer. I also forgave my husband for being the way he is and instead of being afraid to say what I feel, I just honestly said it, whatever his response would be and remained calm and continue to love him, good and bad. I have no control over how he is and I don't have the means to change him into how I would like him to be, so that is entirely up to him and God. Christian counselors and women study groups are a great beginning. Please hang in there and BE STRONG and if no one has said they love you today, I will tell you that I love you my sister in Christ. 
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/3/2008 1:44:20 PM
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Keabird
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Hi Crysta Rose, and welcome to the forum. I read your post yesterday but wanted to wait a bit before responding. Would like to encourage you not to give up on us yet - the nature of these forums is that lots of differing ideas are offered, usually with the best of intentions and a spirit of love (I've been here for years so I know this is true), and it is up to the reader to choose what to take on board and what not. So if someone doesn't seem too caring, please give them the benefit of the doubt - they may be just trying to look at it from a different angle in the hope it will give you more clarity as well in your situation. After all, only you know what is really going on in your home.
quote:
Anytime I have a differing opinion, he gets angry, rolls his eyes and makes me feel like my opinion is worthless. He makes decisions based on what he wants and disregards anything I say no matter how sensible or rational it is. He gets angry and is withholding whenever he's unhappy with other areas of his life which is mostly every day. He's hateful towards everyone he knows, doesn't know, me, you name it. He takes and takes and takes and I give and give and give, but there is no love returned to me.
quote:
If I try and bring up how I feel hurt when he fill in the blank, he always finds a way to make me feel bad if I stand up for myself.
I think the difficulty here is that these examples are a bit vague and contain many superlatives/hyperboles e.g "anytime", "towards everyone", "takes and takes". I hear that you feel this is all overwhelming but the only actually example is that of him rolling your eyes when you make suggestions. I agree, to have someone respond like that the majority of the time would be very hurtful.
Are you able to give other concrete examples so we can better understand the situation?
In any case, if it is ongoing, then addressing it is imperative. However, I would insist on counselling before separation. It could be that communication is compounding the situation. Using phrases like "you never" or "you always" can also be very hurtful and frustrating for the other person, especially if they are used regularly.
If your husband refuses counselling, then perhaps it is time to look at separation, but I would STILL encourage you to seek counselling for yourself in regard to relationships, else the whole pattern is likely to be repeated again.
From someone who has also lived with abuse.
In Him
Sherri
_____________________________
"The thief comes to kill, steal and destroy, but I have come that you may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/14/2008 3:10:17 AM
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JadeeS
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Hi Crystarose. I would like to know if you found any online support? I am an expatriate living in the Middle East where Christianity is frowned upon. I don' have access to church support. I am also emotionally abused. My husband speaks to me as if I am rubbish on the floor. He blames me for everything that goes wrong (including his infidelity!). When he is angry he swears at me and calls me names. Despite all this I love him dearly and am determined to make my marriage work. Nothing is impossible for God to handle.
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RE: I need help with question about emotional abuse - 12/14/2008 10:57:11 AM
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hnt
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JadeeS:
You could try Focus Ministry
I know they email, etc people all over the globe that are dealing with abuse of all kinds.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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