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Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/4/2008 10:23:45 AM
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Dudley77
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Joined: 12/4/2008
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I have been married for just over a year now. My husband and I have discovered over that time that we are very different in the ways of handling "arguments". My communication style is to try to talk to him to get over the pain as quickly as possible and before it escalates. His is to get angry,run away, talk to other people and take several days before he'll even talk to me. I am not comfortable with him IMMEDIATELY going to other people, who include his parents because alot of what he shares is untrue feelings that come out because he's angry. So all his parents know of me are the bad things that he's shared when he's mad. His mom has even cursed me out on the phone a couple weeks ago telling me that everything is my fault and that she wishes I wasn't with her son. I can't handle my husband going to extremes and distancing himself from me AND him going and speaking badly about me to these people who take what he says and form opinions about me. I've asked him over and over to please allow us to handle our problems and to quit going to EVERYBODY ELSE FIRST. It has started to eat at our marriage. But he acts unwilling because "that's just what he's use to doing."
It has gotten to the point that I feel so emotionally distant from my husband. I feel like an empty shell. I have prayed over and over to ask for strength, but I still feel helpless. I try to talk to him calmly and tell him that I am deeply hurting but it just seems to make him angry. It's "never a good time" to talk to him. Everything else is a priority. Is there somewhere in the Bible where it says about making marriage priority and to not run to unhealthy and unsupporting people EVERY time we have even a minor disagreement!
Thanks for the help.
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RE: Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/4/2008 12:22:05 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2076
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I think you've nailed the problem (the biggest part of the problem) and you're 100% right. You simply cannot run to other people, esepcially parents, about issues and squabbles in marriage!! It's nice sometimes to have one trusted, objective, level-headed friend to talk things out with but even that should be used sparingly and discerningly. Telling you you're absolutely right, though, probabyl doesn't help much - if he doesn't see it!! I rarely recommend counselling but where I think you need someone to talk you, as a newly married couple, through marital communications and in-law boundaries 101 - it's probably time for an objective third party. Do you have a Pastor you can sit down with about this?
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RE: Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/4/2008 2:45:25 PM
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jaimestarcross
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Joined: 11/28/2005
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When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.
{The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. — James 3:3-6, NIV}
You and your husband need to consider those words carefully.
What are the arguments about?
Decide what is important to fight or argue for and what's vanity and
doesn't build up the body or the marriage.
A need of growing in your faith as a couple is probably needed...
take time to do Bible devotions together, pray together each day -
make a commitment to honor each other with sincere, loving praise/affection at least once a day. Learn the fine art of forgiveness and the value of saying these words: "I'm sorry for hurting you" every time you two disagree. Try to get your husband to do another option than running out the door when a fight or argument happens - make a suggestion list of things to do. Put the list where it's seen often, like on the refrigerator door and by the computer! Make the list and add some funny sayings to it also... the ideal is to promote healthy alternatives to running out the door and bad-mouthing you to others. (Examples: When I want things My Way - I go to Burger King! or how about this one... The last time I got a male to change - he was 3 months old and wearing a diaper!)
You see, becoming One doesn't just mean having sexual relationships with your spouse - it also means becoming One in your faith with God, learning how to communicate with each other, learning how to become the help-meet/help-mate your spouse needs. Listening to each other respectfully... really caring about the person you married and promised to cleave to for a life time in good times and bad.
Find a mature Christian couple and ask them if they would be willing
to give you guys some marriage advice/pointers on problem solving etc...
consult your minister for further help or advise/counseling if you don't know of a couple who can provide mentoring.
*His mom's reaction to her son's steady unloading of your marriage
problems is a clear indication that they aren't able to give you good
counseling and they are becoming overwhelmed/disheartened by the bad reports of your marriage troubles - and it's time for you and your husband to seek counseling from either your minister or a qualified professional.
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RE: Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/4/2008 2:47:31 PM
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ChristIsTheLord30
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Joined: 11/26/2008
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He needs a wake up call, take your stuff pack up and leave. My $0.02, but my marriage was a complete disaster so take that with a grain of salt... 
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RE: Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/4/2008 5:50:41 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2076
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
*His mom's reaction to her son's steady unloading of your marriage
problems is a clear indication that they aren't able to give you good
counseling and they are becoming overwhelmed/disheartened by the bad reports of your marriage troubles - and it's time for you and your husband to seek counseling from either your minister or a qualified professional.
Truly. A mother with any sense of boundaries (or just any sense) would've sent him straight home and not listened to it.
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RE: Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/4/2008 7:43:22 PM
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gcsmithjr
Posts: 111
Joined: 11/23/2008
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quote:
He needs a wake up call, take your stuff pack up and leave.
I'm sorry, but that is a HORRENDOUS idea. You're encouraging someone to use the marital equivalent of the nuclear option when she's been married for a year and hasn't had a chance to even try other approaches.
quote:
My husband and I have discovered over that time that we are very different in the ways of handling "arguments".
Just to reassure you, it's VERY common for newly married couples to run into this issue (and to discover family baggage early in their marriage). I wholeheartedly agree that his approach of going to other people is not a healthy approach, and I agree with the other posters who have recommended finding an objective third party - a pastor or counselor - who can help the two of you work through this (and it will be work but the rewards can be great).
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RE: Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/6/2008 2:18:58 PM
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Rozcraft
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Joined: 11/29/2008
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Dudley 77,
My hubby and I also had different ways of arguing. His way was to be assertive and to talk it through right away. I would pull away and detach because I didn't know how to handle the conflict. We didn't confront in my family growing up. So it took longer for me to develop better communication skills.
Silent treatment can be worst than anything. And it's not fair to the other party involved. The previous posters were right. Counseling here is needed. From a non-family member. Hubby is commited to you now and he needs to leave and cleave to you. You are his number one now.
It takes awhile to get the hang of married life. To grow out of selfish ways and motives. I know it may seem hopeless and unfixable. But once the emotions settle and trust is rebuilt I think you can find the love and happiness that made you choose each other.
Praying for you!
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RE: Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/7/2008 4:28:48 PM
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rcjames
Posts: 5795
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Oklahoma
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Dudley77
I have been married for just over a year now. My husband and I have discovered over that time that we are very different in the ways of handling "arguments".
Wow, only together for a year and are having serious arguments, you should not even be passed the cuddly stage.
If you are having the problems you listed; how in the world did you ever get married to begin with?
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
http://www.deliveranceofsara.com
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RE: Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/7/2008 7:58:04 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2076
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rcjames
quote:
ORIGINAL: Dudley77
I have been married for just over a year now. My husband and I have discovered over that time that we are very different in the ways of handling "arguments".
Wow, only together for a year and are having serious arguments, you should not even be passed the cuddly stage.
If you are having the problems you listed; how in the world did you ever get married to begin with?
Thanks
RC
I hear so many people talk about how rough the first year of marriage was. Ours was perfection...it was the 4th year that it seemed to derail. But apparently it's more common to have these kinds of struggles than the cuddly phase.
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RE: Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/9/2008 1:13:03 AM
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vicbhe
Posts: 90
Joined: 4/24/2005
From: Arkansas
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quote:
So all his parents know of me are the bad things that he's shared when he's mad. His mom has even cursed me out on the phone a couple weeks ago telling me that everything is my fault and that she wishes I wasn't with her son.
(With the understanding that we are only getting one side of this story) I must say you cannot win this one. I have seen it many times, as long as he is running to mommy you will not win. You cannot fight them both and you may very well find yourself the victim of abuse, encouraged and justified by his mommy even! I'm not meaning to be negative but I see this same scenario over and over.
Counseling is not a 'fix all' but I think it is a must for both of you if you want to continue this marriage.
It is difficult to know how to respond to a post like yours. You could be telling it just like it is, therefore the 'dump him' idea may save you and your future children from many years of heartache and abuse. However you could be slanting things your way therefore receiving the response from people that you want to get. A good counselor would be able to see through both sides of all this. I emphasize "good" as there are some 'not so good' ones out there.
_____________________________
“You cannot improve your righteousness by tearing down the righteousness of others”. W.O. Vaught
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RE: Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/9/2008 1:14:04 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1938
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rcjames
If you are having the problems you listed; how in the world did you ever get married to begin with?
This was not helpful to a distaught person.
The first year or two of marriage often is rough because two sinners are trying to figure out how to live together when they aren't particularly good at it (no experience except family, and that's often not helpful, either) and who has the power over whom.
Like 3Cap says, this happens so don't throw in the towel. Counseling is a good idea because when you tell him he's hurting you he's not listening. So let him hear it from a third party. There's probably a lot you both can learn (I've been married over 20 years and I still get surprises and have things I need to change in myself).
Take heart, dear one, and tell God about it and ask for His help. Find a counselor and go alone if your husband refuses to go. I am praying for you tonight. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Heartbroken Over Struggling Marriage - 12/9/2008 10:25:47 AM
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Simway
Posts: 59
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I am wondering if this is how his parents handled disagreements? We are the products of our raising, and this could be a carry over from child hood. This only a suggestion on my part, and there could be other issues that are going on with your Husband. Simway
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Jaimiestarcross had a bunch of really good points. What are you fighting about? Is it worth fighting about them? Is there a way you could agree to disagree, rather than try to make him see how right you are? When there is something that needs to be dealt with it, what is it that *you* are doing? Are you gentle, loving and respectful with your words? Do you present things calmly and rationally or in a weeping "I'm the victim here" way? That last one I can tell you is guaranteed to drive your husband away, even if what you have to say is perfectly valid. 
