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Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/4/2008 1:06:06 PM
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savedbylove112
Posts: 110
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Deep In The Heart of Jersey
Status: offline
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As most of you who know me know, I live back home with Mom in the house we all grew up in--me and my 3 older siblings. One of these siblings (BB2--Big Brother 2) moved to the next town over with his wife and 2 girls. His land is much smaller than "ours" ("mine and Mom's"), but he has a habit of collecting various motor vehicles--cars, trucks, boats, motorcycles, etc--so he feels that, since where Mom and I is "still family property", he can drop these things off in our yard for extended periods of time. Folks, we're talking YEARS. I moved back home in 1997, and there's things in the yard that were here when I got here that are still here.
He's always telling Mom he's going to do something with this stuff--he's always got some grand scheme to "fix it up and sell it" or "sell it for parts", but Mom has listened to these promises, again, for years, and the stuff still sits on her property, collecting rust and LORD knows what else (we live near woods, and critters think his goodies make fine homes).
With all the recent development in our area, local officials have had more opportunity to pass by and check out our property, and things have been said to Mom about getting rid of all that clutter, or else she could face fines and other unpleasantries. Her pleas to BB2 have fallen on deaf ears--he keeps repeating his grand schemes for everything, or bringing up the idea that he's moving his family to NC (we're in NJ) and he'll take it all with him then--this is another idea he's been working on for (say it with me) years.
Now, part of me living with Mom rent-free involves helping her with the up-keep of the whole property, which I do gladly and willingly. I have already told Mom she has but to say the word, and I make a few phone calls and all that clutter goes away within a month, tops.
BUT--BB2 is always coming by the property and complaining that "his stuff is disappearing" or being tampered with or otherwise vandalized. Every time I have taken the initiative to have something removed from the property, he comes back to Mom (very rarely will he confront me directly) and whine that "I was gonna do this-and-that with that thing" and Mom says, "Well, it's been in my yard for X-amount of years, when were you gonna do this??"
I know Mom wants all his stuff gone. I also know Mom is not in any shape to confront BB2 directly about this, as far as laying down an ultimatum. It's like she's put herself between a rock and a hard place--she doesn't want the cluttered lawn, but she also doesn't want to listen to BB2 grouse when we have it removed. With everything else she's stressed out over in her life, this is one thing she just doesn't want to deal with, but if the town comes knocking on the door with paperwork, she's going to have to, and in a way she definitely does NOT want to.
SO--should I just go ahead and make my phone calls, and let BB2 rant and rave and tell him to take a hike? Or should I just sit by and wait for Mom to give me the go-ahead? Thanks yet again!!
_____________________________
Jesus is Lord. Deal with it.
If religion is a crutch, then JESUS is my wheelchair.
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/4/2008 1:52:20 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1938
Joined: 9/26/2007
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Your poor mom, Savedby love. Tough on you, too, but terrible for her. She believes your brother's statements of responsibility and yet the state is holding her responsible. She can't/won't deal with it and she could get crushed in the middle.
Your brother is hurting your mom and seems incapable of caring. That's two people disconnected from reality: junky brother and helpless mom.
Since your mom isn't capable of being responsibile she needs rescuing. I think that will have to be you, unless you guys can get the whole family together and convince your brother he has one week (6 days even) to get ALL the junk gone or you'll call a salvage yard to come get it. If the state does it, they'll charge her high rates. If you call someone in, you might be able to make some money off it. Give the bucks to your brother, or give it to your mom and call it rent.
The state has no interest in protecting a helpless old woman and can and probably will put the full pressure of the law on her. They can fine her and they can condemn the property and take it. Get moving quick. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you may be the only adult here. Gird up your loins and rise to the occasion; your mom is about to get creamed and needs help.
When your brother gets mad, tell him you protected your mother from the state who would have really hurt her over this. Repeat as needed.
"Where's my stuff????"
"We protected mom from the ____ who said it had to go or she'd get fined."
"You had no right to touch my stuff!"
"We protected mom from the ____ who said it had to go or she'd get fined."
"I was going to do something with that!"
"We protected mom from the ____ who said it had to go or she'd get fined."
"I could have saved you lots of money with my project!"
"We protected mom from the ____ who said it had to go or she'd get fined."
"I'm mad at you!"
"We protected mom from the ____ who said it had to go or she'd get fined."
Be strong, Christian - your weak mother needs help. God bless you (and convict your selfish brother of the harm he has/is doing).
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/4/2008 7:14:04 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5566
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
Status: online
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quote:
With all the recent development in our area, local officials have had more opportunity to pass by and check out our property, and things have been said to Mom about getting rid of all that clutter, or else she could face fines and other unpleasantries. Have the officials put anything in writing? I wonder if it's worth making a quiet phone call to them to explain the situation and ask them if they'd be prepared to put something unofficially official in writing (ie something that looks official but that you and your mother are aware of) which you can then pass on to your brother and say that he needs to sort it or be prepared to pay the fines as it is his junk that's causing the problem.
quote:
The state has no interest in protecting a helpless old woman and can and probably will put the full pressure of the law on her. They can fine her and they can condemn the property and take it. Right now, chances are they don't understand and know the full situation. Even after eplaining, they may not care, but it's worth trying.
_____________________________
I could give up chocolate ~ but I'm no quitter!
My blog
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/5/2008 11:02:37 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10376
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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Can you have it towed over to HIS place and dropped off there?
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/5/2008 11:59:26 AM
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Auben
Posts: 1607
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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Frankly, a registered letter with a copy of the official document (the one about the fines) may help your mother confront him without 'confronting' him. Include the date you need them removed by and how you will take care of them if they are still there after that date.
If he does not react by that day, you take care of it. If he calls up and she's worried about it, tell her not to answer. You answer.
Some individuals don't think out cause and effect well. Probably your brother has been getting vague statements from your mother and assumes all is well because he intends to get rid of them. Then he promptly forgets. He needs clear boundaries, with clear consequences, if he's going to take care of this issue.
Talk to your mother about this. If she gives you this issue to handle, handle it, but she needs to understand what's going to happen and you two need to be in agreement beforehand.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/9/2008 10:24:57 PM
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lindakaye
Posts: 22
Joined: 6/11/2007
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Well they are both dragging you into the middle of this and then they can both be mad at you whatever the outcome.
Decide what you can and want to do. If it is to help Mom get rid of the junk then sit down with her ask her if she really wants you to take steps to get rid of all of your brother's stuff. If she says yes, ask her if she is sure. If she is then write out exactly what you are willing to do to help her and that if you do take care of this problem for her that she will agree to NOT turn it around and blame you when brother throws a fit. Make her read it and sign it. Then if she starts the blame whip it out and read it to her.
Or you could just tell her that you are not going to get in the middle of this and she will have to take care of it or pay the fines. Its a dance she and your brother are doing.
Hope all ends well for you.
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/10/2008 5:20:43 PM
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agapetos
Posts: 5566
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: This side of the lil duck pond!
Status: online
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quote:
With everything else she's stressed out over in her life, this is one thing she just doesn't want to deal with, but if the town comes knocking on the door with paperwork, she's going to have to, and in a way she definitely does NOT want to. Here's a thought ~ but it requires agreement between you and your mother...
Tell her that either she or you will contact your brother and tell him that you have arranged for the junk to be moved on a specific date. If he wants any of it, it needs to be moved before that date. If it doesn't, it will be taken. Then make the arrangements. You need to talk to you mother and give her the option of taking it up with your brother or allowing you to.
_____________________________
I could give up chocolate ~ but I'm no quitter!
My blog
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/10/2008 5:42:18 PM
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buckifn
Posts: 1879
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
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I would make a copy of the next set of notices given to your mother and include it with a letter to your brother telling him unless he makes arrangements to have the listed stuff removed by such and such a date your mother is having it removed and will be forwarding him the bill for removal.
I would follow up with small claims court if necessary. It's his stuff and his responsibility.
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/10/2008 9:03:47 PM
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Dancre
Posts: 1307
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Hi Saved,
I'd say, call brother and say, you have by Jan 10th, give a date, to get your junk out of my yard, or it's going to the junk yard. Your mom WILL get fined big time and I have a feeling brother won't pay them. He has no right to take advantage of you or mom.
How are things going with mom? I remember you were having trouble before with her.
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/10/2008 9:08:38 PM
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Dancre
Posts: 1307
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Well, it probably will cause bad blood, but would mom being fined be any better? If I were you, I'd tell him, get your cr*p off my lawn by Jan 10, or I will have it towed. If he doesn't get his junk off the property, then tow it. If he complains, say, hey, I told you!!! Sometimes you have to stand up to people and say, tough!!!
quote:
ORIGINAL: savedbylove112
quote:
ORIGINAL: stamper_ben
Can you have it towed over to HIS place and dropped off there?
That's why it's at our place in the first place--he doesn't have any room on his property for it. It would literally be in the street.
The thing is, Mom HAS given my brother copies of all the paperwork she's gotten--from the town, from her homeowner's insurance (they want to raise her rates because of the junk), and she HAS given him several "deadlines"--the most recent one being the end of last month. I think BB2 knows Mom isn't going to do anything on her own because he KNOWS she doesn't want to deal with it. I'm just afraid that if I DO step in, not only will it cause bad blood with BB2, but Mom might pin the subsequent family friction on ME (she's done it before--"Why did you have to go and get him started? Now I have to listen to it...") 
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/11/2008 11:57:32 AM
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buckifn
Posts: 1879
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
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The law is for the lawless...and it sounds like your brother needs a healthy dose of it along with a clue on personal responsibility.
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/11/2008 1:12:13 PM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 765
Joined: 11/28/2005
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Have all the stuff cleared off the property just
as soon as you can... the stuff has been sitting there
for years and is an eye sore --- even if it's only offensive to
you and your mom's eyes.
My rule of thumb is - if you don't have room for your own "goodies"
then you need to rent a storage area/building.
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RE: Helping out, or getting in the way? - 12/11/2008 5:34:41 PM
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savedbylove112
Posts: 110
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Deep In The Heart of Jersey
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jaimestarcross
My rule of thumb is - if you don't have room for your own "goodies"
then you need to rent a storage area/building.
Haha--that's good--which reminds me of something else BB2 offered to do--rather than get the stuff off the property, he wants to rent one of those "PODS"/"1-800-PACKRAT"/"SAM"--you know the things, where you pay uber-bucks to have this ugly metal thing sit on your property to hold your stuff for you (or they can take it away for you and put it with other ugly metal things holding other people's stuff). Oh, it was either THAT (never mind that neither HE nor US can AFFORD such a thing), or he was going to have "one of his friends" (the same ones that want his precious property, or else some of that stuff is theirs and he's holding it for them--what-ever) is going to get us a tractor-trailer-type container and put it in our back yard to hold all our stuff--those things are even HUGER and uglier.
Mom's precious doggie just died yesterday morning, and when she went over BB2's house to tell him, she never got the chance, because he started complaining about all this nonsense, and she told him she was going to get rid of it--but I don't know how "up-to-it" she is at this point. 
_____________________________
Jesus is Lord. Deal with it.
If religion is a crutch, then JESUS is my wheelchair.
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