|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 12:47:46 PM
|
|
|
freetobehis
Posts: 57
Joined: 7/29/2010
Status: offline
|
I really need advice. My husband is a very selfish man. He does not like to be inconvenienced in any way. He is a Christian. And a good one in some ways, but not when it comes to family.
My problem is that I love our family and would like to have them around but must make excuses for him constantly. 6 of our 7 children don't even come around. We have 17 grandchildren and spend very little time with them. I will have them over when he is not around but he even resents that. Something small but indicative of his irritation is putting his medicine up when the babies are around. "after all if their mother would make them mind there shouldn't be a problem" They are 1 and 2 years old. I am tired of the criticisms of our kids, I am tired of making exculses and of not helping them when they legitimately need help.
My son and his wife just lost their home, to no fault of their own. They are christians also. The church had to step in and provide them a place to stay because I can't even offer for them to stay with us for one month.
Though yes it would be an inconvenience we have the room.
I have decided that I am tired of making excuses for him and I will no longer. I am going to help when I can, I am going to be involved when I can and I am going to love them as best I can. This will infuriate him, because he wants me to agree with him and feels like I am a traitor when I don't. I will say that I love him and he loves me. We get along very well if I don't cross him and I have gotten very good at that and can do it without resenting him for the most part. Its just the family thing that gets me. I really love our kids and grandkids.
I just want to do what is right in being a good wife, good mother and good grandmother. Help!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 12:57:28 PM
|
|
|
Samsonite12
Posts: 45
Status: offline
|
The book The Power of a Praying Wife may help. The author had a husband like yours who was not will to change, and she found out that through effective prayer God can change things. Maybe check it out :)
Would he be willing to council with a trusted pastor?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 12:59:16 PM
|
|
|
3tulips
Posts: 424
Joined: 2/1/2007
From: sandy shore
Status: offline
|
What a tough spot to be in!
I don't blame you, you want to help your kids and grandkids. Maybe you can remind him this is how Jesus would act. He would share his home. He told us in Phillipians 2 to consider others better than ourselves. In Romans 12 were are commanded to practice hospitality.
I hope that helped.
_____________________________
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts; so I am helped, and my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him." Psalm 28:7
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 1:21:56 PM
|
|
|
wifeandmomof3
Posts: 111
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline
|
Has he always had this issue, or was there a specific trigger in his life that started him on this path of anger and hostility?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 1:24:42 PM
|
|
|
jaimestarcross
Posts: 1230
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
My problem is that I love our family and would like to have them around but must make excuses for him constantly.
*Stop doing that. I'm pretty sure by now his own children know their father's shortcomings.
Pray for him... don't give up... give it to God!
6 of our 7 children don't even come around. We have 17 grandchildren and spend very little time with them. I will have them over when he is not around but he even resents that.
*When possible... you go visit them or have them to pick you up at your doorstep.
Something small but indicative of his irritation is putting his medicine up when the babies are around. "after all if their mother would make them mind there shouldn't be a problem" They are 1 and 2 years old. I am tired of the criticisms of our kids, I am tired of making exculses and of not helping them when they legitimately need help.
*When you know they are coming... you can put his medications out of reach of the young grandchildren.
My son and his wife just lost their home, to no fault of their own. They are christians also. The church had to step in and provide them a place to stay because I can't even offer for them to stay with us for one month.
Though yes it would be an inconvenience we have the room.
*That is sad.
I have decided that I am tired of making excuses for him and I will no longer. I am going to help when I can, I am going to be involved when I can and I am going to love them as best I can. This will infuriate him, because he wants me to agree with him and feels like I am a traitor when I don't. I will say that I love him and he loves me. We get along very well if I don't cross him and I have gotten very good at that and can do it without resenting him for the most part. Its just the family thing that gets me. I really love our kids and grandkids.
I just want to do what is right in being a good wife, good mother and good grandmother. Help!
*As time allows -- then you spend time with them and if your husband doesn't want to go that is his choice. Respect that. Don't nag him about that or hold it over his head. You can have family time with the children and grandchildren even if he doesn't want to be inconvenienced. Enjoy those moments with the children/grandchildren take photos and fill up the albums!
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 1:30:18 PM
|
|
|
freetobehis
Posts: 57
Joined: 7/29/2010
Status: offline
|
Thank you! No I wouldn't even dare mention counselling. He really believes he is right. He is a Christian and wouldn't want me indicating we had a prpoblem.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 1:50:18 PM
|
|
|
freetobehis
Posts: 57
Joined: 7/29/2010
Status: offline
|
I am going to start doing things without him, but I know it will make him angry, he really feels I should agree with him and not do things for our kids.
The medicine issue has to do with me putting his medicine away, (He leaves it open on the counter) and gets angry because he shouldn't have to look for it ,just leave it there and make the children behave is his philosophy, but as I said they are 1 and 2 and we watch them closely but I don't want to take a chance. That wasn't that big of an issue but indicates how little he will be inconvenienced.
I have thought about counselling, but he would never go. And I don't dare bring up Christianity, it just infuriates him.
I know this makes him sound terrible, but he reallly is not. He does love the Lord, just can't see his own faults.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 2:00:43 PM
|
|
|
Samsonite12
Posts: 45
Status: offline
|
How do you know he loves the Lord if he can't talk about Him? It does make him sound bad. Can you describe in more detail what you mean?
I am praying for you as are others in the forum!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 2:13:11 PM
|
|
|
bolt.
Posts: 2318
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: offline
|
It sounds like you've made a good decision, to act in line with your own values, regardless of your husband's over-emotionality. Since he's concerned about 'inconvenience' I suggest you make some gracious efforts to minimize that (hand him his pills, since you put them away etc.)
Remember, you don't have to make excuses either way. You can say instead, "I know that bothers you about him/them." And then change the subject.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 2:24:23 PM
|
|
|
freetobehis
Posts: 57
Joined: 7/29/2010
Status: offline
|
Thank you so much for your prayers. I have wanted that for a long time but feel very disloyal talking about him.
We attend church together, we pray together, we discuss scripture together and he conducts 2 bible studies at his workplace.
Doesn't make a lot of sense, but he can see the wrong in others, especially family, just not himself. And if I do use Scripture to make my point he will get angry or come back with one that validates his actions. Its very frustrating. I have been married to him for 28 years, he has always been this way and I cannot change him. I just want to be able to love him and my family in spite of him.
I love the idea of reading The Power of a Praying Wife. In fact I am ashamed to say I have it in my library but have not read it!
I am so greatful for finding this site to be able to get this burden off of my chest! Thank you Lord!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 2:26:56 PM
|
|
|
Samsonite12
Posts: 45
Status: offline
|
Great! Pull it out and read a few pages, see if its right for you :)
Burdens are good things to get rid of 
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 3:35:06 PM
|
|
|
deermousie
Posts: 2743
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
|
I think a friendly visit from the pastor or elders would be a good idea to talk to him about hospitality that every Christian is commanded to do.
A man providing for his family isn't just his household:
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Tim. 5:8
If his household is especially mentioned, then it includes those not of his household, too. He blew it when he didn't take in your homeless kids and grandkids. He sinned against them in their need. James talked about that, too, for non-family Christians:
14 What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? 15 If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? 17 Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
- James 2
This does not speak well for your husband's faith.
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way <>8 Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; 9 not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing
- 1 Pet. 3:7-9
He's violating this part ^^^ too. Please talk to your pastor about it, and let your pastor talk to your husband since your husband has already told you he's not wrong.
May God open your husband's understanding to how God wants him to live and pry him out of his selfishness and into God's grace. I'm praying for you both today. (((HUgs)))
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 7:18:27 PM
|
|
|
johnswife
Posts: 230
Joined: 4/24/2010
Status: offline
|
Has he always been this way about the children? If it has only been in recent years then their must be a reason for the change. My parents helped my brother and his wife a lot with their 4 kids. Mom started spending to much time with them and Dad got upset. They never disagreed about it before. He died a year later and now she sees that she really did put the grandkids first when she could have enjoyed the last year of his life with him.
I understand how important it is to you to help them and spend time with them. Please undrestand that I am not sayiing you are wrong. I just want you to try to undr=erstand WHY he feels this way. Understanding the problem is part of the answer. When you pray ask God to help you understand your husband's objections.
Is he selfish with everyone or just your kids and grandkids? Try spending time with them at their homes. Would that upset him too?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/29/2010 10:27:56 PM
|
|
|
freetobehis
Posts: 57
Joined: 7/29/2010
Status: offline
|
Thank you and I know where you are coming from. But he always has been this way. And I have always avoided doing anything to inconvenience him. We both work full time. And opposite hours at times, but we have breakfast together 2xweek and lunch 3times. We eat dinner together when I am off. I spend the evenings watching tv with him because he gets hurt if I am not right there with him. I really try to give him what he needs but tip-toeing around his needs is wearing me out quite honestly and starting to harm my relationship with my family. That is why I have decided to let the kids see the truth and love them as best I can.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/30/2010 3:21:36 AM
|
|
|
mariamaria
Posts: 325
Joined: 2/28/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: freetobehis
I really need advice. My husband is a very selfish man. He does not like to be inconvenienced in any way. He is a Christian. And a good one in some ways, but not when it comes to family.
My problem is that I love our family and would like to have them around but must make excuses for him constantly. 6 of our 7 children don't even come around. We have 17 grandchildren and spend very little time with them. I will have them over when he is not around but he even resents that. Something small but indicative of his irritation is putting his medicine up when the babies are around. "after all if their mother would make them mind there shouldn't be a problem" They are 1 and 2 years old. I am tired of the criticisms of our kids, I am tired of making exculses and of not helping them when they legitimately need help.
My son and his wife just lost their home, to no fault of their own. They are christians also. The church had to step in and provide them a place to stay because I can't even offer for them to stay with us for one month.
Though yes it would be an inconvenience we have the room.
I have decided that I am tired of making excuses for him and I will no longer. I am going to help when I can, I am going to be involved when I can and I am going to love them as best I can. This will infuriate him, because he wants me to agree with him and feels like I am a traitor when I don't. I will say that I love him and he loves me. We get along very well if I don't cross him and I have gotten very good at that and can do it without resenting him for the most part. Its just the family thing that gets me. I really love our kids and grandkids.
I just want to do what is right in being a good wife, good mother and good grandmother. Help!
oh dear, you have just described my father in law! My poor mother in law has to put up with a lot and their kids (my husband and sister in laws) realize what he's like and know not to take it personally although at times it's hard not to.
I think you are spot on with how you are going to deal with it, I wish my mother in law had done so years ago but she has done nothing but bow down to everyone of his selfish needs which means she has sacrificed her life for his which I think even as a christian is not necessary.
You have a right to have your family over and you should not be afraid that doing so will rock the boat with your husband. lovingly tell your husband of how things will be from now on, tell him how not being able to have family over makes you feel..I hope he listens and takes heart to what you are saying.....x
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/30/2010 5:39:15 AM
|
|
|
johndoo
Posts: 32
Joined: 11/7/2009
Status: offline
|
I'm not a therapist but I can tell you that your husband exibits traits of both a controlling person and also a passive-aggressive person.
The controlling part is easier to see.
The passive-aggressiveness is harder because it comes in different flavors. He has no insight into his problems. None of the issues are his fault.
A bright therapist told us that sometimes the best recourse in marital disputes is not to keep justifying everything but just state "This is my opinion" and if your opinion is being consistently disregarded then say " It hurts me when you disregard my opinion". If you feel consistently hurt in the marriage then you should seek help with your pastor or a Christian counselor.
Marriage fights that end up being sword wars ( scripture slinging) are going to go badly. People are always prone to using scripture to justify their personal agenda.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/30/2010 8:08:00 AM
|
|
|
car2ner
Posts: 3457
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
Status: online
|
Sounds like your sweetie has gotten used to being spoiled. I can understand you giving in to keep the peace. You've been given some great advice above. I am certain he'll get grumpy when you change what he is used to but he's more than a grown man. His personality probably won't change but his expectations will adjust over time when he realizes you won't put up with all of his quirks.
I agree, no nagging. Just tell him how you feel and acting patiently. Keep praying. No excuses since it won't convince anyone else anyhow. Smile and be firm. It doesn't make you a traitor. In fact ,in time, it may bring some reconciliation between your spouse and the kids.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
http://car2ner.imagekind.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/30/2010 10:17:00 AM
|
|
|
buckifn
Posts: 1555
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
|
What do you mean when you say your kids lost their home due to" no fault of their own?"
No man wants to take in another man's family if that man is not providing for his own family...but if he has done everything possible and that is still not enough then of course we do have a duty to help meet that need.
It's very hard to give correct advice here without more information.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/30/2010 11:42:23 AM
|
|
|
freetobehis
Posts: 57
Joined: 7/29/2010
Status: offline
|
Absolutely true! Let me tell you the story, though it is lengthly which is why I did not include it.
A year ago my sons mother-in-law purchased a fixer-upper with the intention of my son doing much of the work. The idea was that they would rent it from her for 5 years sell it, pay her back for her investment and either purchase the home or sell it and use the equity for another home.
The house has turned out beutiful and the mother-in-law dicided that she wanted the house for herself, wants to put it up for sale and make a profit.
She moved in with them against there will and now, as of last sunday told them to get out. By law they wouldn't have to but she is making life very difficult, in fact she told the daughter-in-law that if she would leave the husband they could live together. She has also gone to 2 of the stepchildren and told them that they were no longer part of this family, that the couple didn't care about them. It is a very ugly situation and my beautiful daughter in law is devastated.
She has screamed and used profanity consistantly in the home. She has pushed them to the point of literally being in their face. My son felt he had to get out because of the harm she was doing to his family.
The biggest fault involved is that they agreed to it, which is a whole other story in of itself. My daughter-in-law has been abused by this women her whole life and was so thrilled to have her mom "love her enough" to do this for her that my son couldn't say no. That was the mistake.
It is all very messy and very painful for this young family.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/30/2010 11:46:58 AM
|
|
|
freetobehis
Posts: 57
Joined: 7/29/2010
Status: offline
|
Thank you for sharing all of this.
One thing I can tell you is to let you mother-in-law know how much you love and respect her and that you know. She may make excuses for him but it is only because she doesn't want you to feel unwanted or unloved. Please pray for her and him. It is so frustrating to be in that position, especiallly if you are a giver and a peace-maker.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/30/2010 2:42:05 PM
|
|
|
jaimestarcross
Posts: 1230
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
The biggest fault involved is that they agreed to it, which is a whole other story in of itself. My daughter-in-law has been abused by this women her whole life and was so thrilled to have her mom "love her enough" to do this for her that my son couldn't say no. That was the mistake.
*You mean they got into this situation without drawing up legal documents with the MIL who has a history of being abusive to her own daughter?
They need to speak with a lawyer about this matter and sue the MIL for the money they spent on repairing
the house. They did not need to allow her to move in... the MIL can run her mouth but they didn't have to allow her to move in...unless she took them to court and got the right to do so. She can not put them out of the home unless they have went to court over this matter. Talk is talk but you have to abide by the law. I know because my ex tried that with me and I wouldn't budge because he couldn't show proof he was paying the mortgage (I was paying it and I had all the receipts) -- he couldn't raise the money to reimburse me for all the years I'd paid the mortgage so I got to stay in the home (he signed the home over to me and a short time later I paid it off. )
< Message edited by jaimestarcross -- 7/30/2010 3:01:55 PM >
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/30/2010 4:56:17 PM
|
|
|
freetobehis
Posts: 57
Joined: 7/29/2010
Status: offline
|
Yes, they don't have a legal contract, as far as I know, but have a written one. I think they could take her to court, but would rather not dwell on bitterness and get on with there lives. My son will be going to school in the fall for a ministry in counselling and wants to right the wrongs in his life. He is very adamant about doing everything as a witness to Gods Glory and satan has just worked through every situation in his life to try and stop him. He is hoping one day to see the Lord work in his MIL life.
Thank you for your input. It is so nice to have this forum to share and get ideas. Wish I'd of known about it a long time ago.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/30/2010 9:57:07 PM
|
|
|
lilyofthefield
Posts: 468
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: NC, USA
Status: offline
|
My husband isn't thrilled with company either, but I've found that as long as he has a space that is his own it is much better. We converted the dining room into his office/den. It's got his office stuff, but also a big comfy recliner where he can watch TV or whatever.
I agree that you don't need to make excuses for him. Just be honest.
_____________________________
Psalm 113:9
He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 7/31/2010 8:03:40 AM
|
|
|
buckifn
Posts: 1555
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
Yes, they don't have a legal contract, as far as I know, but have a written one. I think they could take her to court, but would rather not dwell on bitterness and get on with there lives
Based on what you shared this is what I have to share hope it helps.
This is definitely a matter that your son and his wife needs to address legally. You and your son needs to know that handling legal matters through the courts is NOT dwelling on bitterness, but rather a wise and necessary part of life sometimes. He can have this resolved legally without bitterness in his heart.
A written contract will have great weight in court.
Part of the reason the courts exist is to help people who have been wronged, not just to punish someone. The Bible speaks in many places how God approves justice and wants righteous rules. Evicting someone from their home is absolutely something that needs to be done using legal standards. The MIL did not do that and the courts have laws to protect people who have been evicted illegally.
You and your husband are too emotionally involved (understandably so) to be able to help them find resolution. The sooner your son has an attorney the sooner he can get his life back in order.
If they are staying with you and your husband temp. and your husband can see the son is addressing the issue through an attorney it may relieve some of the resentment your husband feels about giving up his personal space etc.
Refusing to put away his meds is just passive aggressive behavior because he resents the situation being forced upon him. IMO it isn't worth arguing over. Focus on the BIG issue which is resolving the conflict legally and timely and as you pray for one another God can help you work out the smaller issues with patience and love.
Pray God will lead you and your husband closer together and help the two of you work as one through this family crisis. That's part of what the Scripture means which says "Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest."
Use prayer and God's Word to help you through each challenge and refuse to fall into Satan's trap of taking this battle into your own hands. I think you need to speak that Word to your son as well. If he can learn this now it will help him GREATLY in his ministry.
As we pray and meditate on God's Word each day we see more of God's intervention and less of the problem. That doesn't mean the problem disappears overnight, but it does mean everything in our lives has to bow to the authority and presence of a living God. A God whose desire is to bless and provide for His children.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: Selfishness in marraige - 8/3/2010 12:09:18 PM
|
|
|
jaimestarcross
Posts: 1230
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: offline
|
Why on earth would they have a written contract if they aren't going to
enforce it?
_____________________________
shoutlife.com/UBfine
"A world of nice people, content in their own niceness, looking no further, turned away from God, would be just as desperately in need of salvation as a miserable world---and might be even more difficult to save."
C.S. Lewis
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
