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Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/26/2010 2:18:30 AM
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HannahElizabeth
Posts: 29
Joined: 5/7/2006
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I have been separated from my husband since 2007. At that time, I found out that he was having an affair with a married co-worker, and asked him to leave. He eventually moved in with her and her two small kids, and she divorced her husband. They had a son earlier this year. I've met this innocent little baby, and I have peace with his existence.
For reasons that are unclear, though my husband filed in July 2008, our divorce paperwork has been slow to process. Meanwhile, we have come to the point where we are "friends." Yesterday we sat peacefully together with our daughter as her softball team had a family picnic. At times I've hoped we could reconcile for the sake of our family, but now that so much time has passed I'm neutral. I have to live my life as it is and take care of our 6 yo daughter -- not get stuck in the past.
That's just a little background. The reason for my post is to ask a question of pastors and other ministry leaders.
My husband started attending a new church a few months after we separated. He goes religiously -- it is almost as though it is lifeline for him. When we were together, we attended our church regularly, and eventually became involved in leadership. But if we missed a Sunday, it wasn't the end of the world. Now he seems driven to bring his mistress and her kids to church now. She was angry with God when they got together - maybe he feels pride in the fact that he's "saved her," that it makes God takes a blind eye to the fact they are living in sin, and that he abandoned his wife and child. I don't know. My aunt says I should be glad -- she says going to church is his only chance of redemption.
Anyways, I've stayed out of it, just listening to his stories. Then he recently told me that he was going to stand up in his new church and speak. He said this with pride, as though he's turned a corner into respectability. It reminds of a time shortly after we broke up, when I reminded him what the Bible says about adultery. He was offended, responded as though such verses do not apply to him. He said that he is "covered by the blood," and eventually God would begin to use him again. And just as like clockwork, here he is, back up front.
And I feel guilty. I considered telling his church that he is living in adultery, because I know his personality, and that he was going to start leading ministries again. But I was convinced to mind my own business, by those who thought the church would consider me a bitter ex-wife, as opposed to a person who cares about the integrity of God's house. Plus, it's easiest for me to keep my mouth shut. If I tell, there's a chance we'll never get along again -- and that will be bad for our daughter.
Any thoughts?
My stomach sank and I felt guilty.
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/26/2010 8:27:31 AM
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Kat_D
Posts: 2051
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
But I was convinced to mind my own business, by those who thought the church would consider me a bitter ex-wife,
If you were "convinced", why are you asking us this question now?
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/26/2010 8:48:25 AM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 2233
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From: The EMPIRE state!
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You are not the bitter ex-wife. You are his wife, and he is living in unrepented sin. I take this so seriously that I wouldn't go the Sunday that he is speaking. If the leadership knows about it and still has him speak, I would probably leave the church. This is really serious.
_____________________________
Believe very little of others opinions of you, and believe less of your opinions of yourself. The only opinion that matters is that of your Creator, and He thinks you're to die for.
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/26/2010 9:15:51 AM
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Kat_D
Posts: 2051
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From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ellie-Mae
You are not the bitter ex-wife. You are his wife, and he is living in unrepented sin. I take this so seriously that I wouldn't go the Sunday that he is speaking. If the leadership knows about it and still has him speak, I would probably leave the church. This is really serious.
Ellie Mae, I don't think this is her church...I think she said it is his "new church."
I work at my church/Pastoral Care and we wouldn't receive a complaint about one of our people from her unless he was present. She would have to meet with a pastor with him in attendance to level her accusations against him.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/26/2010 9:27:52 AM
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Ellie-Mae
Posts: 2233
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From: The EMPIRE state!
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kat_D
quote:
ORIGINAL: Ellie-Mae
You are not the bitter ex-wife. You are his wife, and he is living in unrepented sin. I take this so seriously that I wouldn't go the Sunday that he is speaking. If the leadership knows about it and still has him speak, I would probably leave the church. This is really serious.
Ellie Mae, I don't think this is her church...I think she said it is his "new church."
I work at my church/Pastoral Care and we wouldn't receive a complaint about one of our people from her unless he was present. She would have to meet with a pastor with him in attendance to level her accusations against him.
I know that. I am just thinking about it from the side if his church. As a member or attendee at his church, this would be information that is important to know about someone who is speaking there. If the leadership at his church didn't find this really disturbing and still had him speak, it would be a horrible thing.
_____________________________
Believe very little of others opinions of you, and believe less of your opinions of yourself. The only opinion that matters is that of your Creator, and He thinks you're to die for.
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/26/2010 9:43:18 AM
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Kat_D
Posts: 2051
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I must say, I have to wonder about this church. It is their responsibility to thoroughly check out anyone they are considering for a leadership role and/or get behind their pulpit.
If the church is not following this command in Scripture...
"Do not lay hands upon anyone too hastily and thereby share responsibility for the sins of others; keep yourself free from sin." -I Timothy 5
...then they are not watching over their sheep in the way God intended.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/26/2010 9:56:21 AM
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greatdivide46
Posts: 2142
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From: Coffee County, Alabama
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kat_D
I must say, I have to wonder about this church. It is their responsibility to thoroughly check out anyone they are considering for a leadership role and/or get behind their pulpit.
If the church is not following this command in Scripture...
"Do not lay hands upon anyone too hastily and thereby share responsibility for the sins of others; keep yourself free from sin." -I Timothy 5
...then they are not watching over their sheep in the way God intended.
I agree, and I'll bet he hasn't been truthful with them regarding their relationship or they probably wouldn't let him speak.
There was a couple like that in the church I currently attend, and the husband was not allowed any leadership position until they actually got married. The guy is now a deacon and he and his wife are both Sunday School teachers.
Thank God for churches that accept and love people without affirming the sin that they are living in.
_____________________________
greatdivide46
He said he had been deeply worried about having a general aesthetic and had been delighted to be offered the epidural in his spine. -- Jane Elliott, BBC News
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/26/2010 9:58:11 AM
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Ellie-Mae
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Kat... I just reread my first post. It does sound like I am speaking from her view point. Thank you for getting me to clarify that.
_____________________________
Believe very little of others opinions of you, and believe less of your opinions of yourself. The only opinion that matters is that of your Creator, and He thinks you're to die for.
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/26/2010 9:59:15 AM
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solarflare
Posts: 1439
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His sin of adultery and fornication is unrepented of. It will be as leaven as Paul describes in the NT.
Bad situation...apparently the pastor of his church needs to do his homework.
quote:
And I feel guilty. I considered telling his church that he is living in adultery, because I know his personality, and that he was going to start leading ministries again. But I was convinced to mind my own business, by those who thought the church would consider me a bitter ex-wife, as opposed to a person who cares about the integrity of God's house. Plus, it's easiest for me to keep my mouth shut. If I tell, there's a chance we'll never get along again -- and that will be bad for our daughter.
I think his 'new' church should know....I remember your OP some months back and it had all kinds of advice in it.
What do you think Scripture has to say on this matter?
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/26/2010 4:51:37 PM
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Country55
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First off, are you still married to him? i know you said that the process was slow but are you legally divorced or still in a seperated relationship.
If you are still married then you are his wife and you should hold your husband (whether living together or not) accountable for what he does. if this means confronting him about the situation then do so, if he doesn't listen to you. take it to the leadership of the church. if then they are fine with him being leadership. you have washed your hads clean of it and he will be accountable for what he does and the pastor of the church that he attends will also be held in account as to whom he lets influence his congregation.
If you are legally divorced then i would spend hours on your knees asking God to show you what to do through scripture and prayer. Also if you have home church that you attend. there is always the idea of asking your pastor what he thinks. any conversation you have with your pastor about this should be kept between the two of you. so seeking counsel from him would not be a bad thing.
Chances are if he is going to be speaking to this church, and it is a grounded in God church, then he has not been honest with his past and his relationship with this new woman. but if he has and they still agree to let him lead. then you saying anything wont change their mind. its sad to say but often times this day and age churches dont care who speaks. it just gives the pastor a sunday off.
No matter what the situation, you should not blame yourself or hold yourself as a bitter ex wife. and the people who convinced you to thnk you would be if you held a "self pro-claimed man of God" and also the father of your child to the standards that God requires, then i would pay no attention to them either.
_____________________________
Life w/o God is a life w/o hope. A life w/o hope. That's not a life at all. that's death! and death with out God, that's Hell!
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/27/2010 9:00:00 AM
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thread
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I would very much want you to tell me if he was in my church. Assuming what you have written is true, he would be potentially a wolf among my sheep. Matthew 18 applies to your circumstances.
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 6/27/2010 10:07:16 AM
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Kat_D
Posts: 2051
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
Matthew 18 applies to your circumstances.
If you do decide to go this route, I agree with this ^^. You must do it according to Scripture. Therefore, your first step would not be to go to the church.
You should go back to your husband and confront him again about his adultery and hiding his sin from his church. I would also tell him you are prepared to fully carry out Matthew 18.
15 "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.
If he does not repent, take one or two reputable Christians with you and confront him again.
"16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established."
And if he still will not repent, this is when you go to the church.
"17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church."
Now this is the hard one considering your daughter, but if you are going to do this according to Scripture...
If he still does not repent, cut him out of your life.
"But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector."
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 7/4/2010 11:56:52 AM
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HannahElizabeth
Posts: 29
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Thanks for your concern and understanding. Yes, he is still my husband, in God's eyes, as well as legally.
I've told his Christian friends. They tried to help, but when they experienced his hardness of heart first hand, they gave up. I've told the church. They did nothing to help. When I decided to shun him, I was told that there is a difference between how a wife responds to her husband's sin, as opposed to how a brother does. In his presence, I preach Christ always. Sometimes I use words.
At this point, I am concerned about God's house, and if a pastor/church leader would want to know there is someone in his midst who he is putting in a leadership role is living with his girlfriend, and is still married. I've carried the burden of knowing that a church, and its ability to be effective in reaching the lost, could be impacted by my silence. I've also carried the burden of knowing that he is really connected to this church, and that if share the truth with his leadership, they may be the ones who can lead him to repentance. But I say nothing, because it's easy, because I know my husband will be angry.
Please pray for me, as I am going to drop off our daughter with him today, possibly in the vicinity of his church. I, personally, don't have the strength to walk up to his pastor and say something. But God does.
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 7/4/2010 8:06:59 PM
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IwillseekHim
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Praying, HannahElizabeth.
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 7/4/2010 8:21:20 PM
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karlie
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From: Central California
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I think if it were my situation, the first thing I would do is examine my motives. Would I really be telling them out of concern for their church body? Or would I really be hoping a spiritual leader would take my husband to task for what he has done and maybe get through where I have not been able to. I'm not saying that's a bad reason...just that I would want to be fully conscious of my own personal motives before taking any action.
My first instinct is to say I believe I would leave that in the Lord's hands. This man chose to walk away from you, become involved and have a child with another woman. I would not feel obligated to go behind him in any way, cleaning up his potential messes. I also agree with whomever said it is the church leaders' responsibility to know the people they are allowing to speak and lead ministry. They should not rely on outside people to be informants before they take that step.
_____________________________
When we're at the end of ourselves, that's the place where God truly is.
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 7/7/2010 11:53:25 PM
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TMeeks
Posts: 891
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I certainly can't tell you to tell his pastor or not tell his pastor. But, the whole situation is greatly troubling to me. Your husband and his mistress are a disaster waiting to happen for that church if they are truly trying to minister in a Biblical way.
Ask yourself. What is the purpose for speaking in a congregation. It is to build up the body of Christ. And, to build up the body of Christ that message has to come from the Holy Spirit illuminating God's Word to that individual for that congregation.
How can a man that is spitting in the face of God by his behavior have anything to say FROM God. What he has to say will come from his own rebellious heart. Not the heart of God.
Moreover, both he and his mistress are people that do not know or do not care to live by boundaries. As long as he fails to recognize his failures in this regard and seek to rectify that in his life,, then he is always going to be a walking time bomb. Your husband is deceived, I'm afraid, about his own salvation for he is deceived about what constitutes a true relationship with Jesus Christ. His fruits show that. His hard heart amply demonstrates it.
If I were the pastor of that church I certainly would want to know the true character of any person in my congregation that seeks to bring attention to themselves. Is he willing to listen, learn and grow? Or, is he deceptively seeking to call attention to himself as a spiritually mature Christian to be listened to by others? THAT would be the decision maker for me.
I see a wolf in sheep's clothing and a goat among the sheep.
_____________________________
Discovery with Microscopes Blog
Create & Cut Crafting
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 7/8/2010 2:50:49 AM
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gralan
Posts: 2303
Joined: 1/29/2010
From: RV in Texas
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.
If we believe that the Body of Christ is united, then there is no issue about whose church the husband is in.
I believe it is correct that the Bible is very plain about how we are to deal with others, including the idea of praying for those who are committing sins that do not lead unto death, for forgiveness of them.
One of the problems we have is some folks keep moving around after causing issues - not particularly this situation in the thread - and no one is communicating to anyone about it.
However, if the Holy Spirit is leading those in his church, I would hope they'd be listening as well.
What a sad situation this is. I've talked with folks in all humility who've been troubled by the membership of unrepentant folks from their lives, present in our church.
This began difficult, and only God can make good come out of this. Prayer, prayer, prayer and our prayers.
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 7/25/2010 7:01:58 PM
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sharonjef2007
Posts: 3353
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How do we know he is unrepentent? We don't. If the OP decides to call him out to his church, then she should do so and talk only about the present. He is still legally married, had a child out of wed lock and is still with his mistress. He is not repentent of that because he is still there.
I would NOT go into the past and such. Just that he is married and living with another woman with whom he had a child out of adultry. Period. The church can do with that information what they want.
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RE: Pastors: Would you want to know? - 7/29/2010 11:57:59 PM
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AriaPeaceful
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My sis, I cannot urge you strongly enough to be Christ-like in your actions concerning this matter.
Looking to his examples; Jesus was merciful, patient, and kind to many who were considered disreputable, immoral, and unclean.
That said, I do not mean to make light of adultery.
Do a self-check for motives. Sin has a sneaky way of getting it's toe in the door through the guise of a good deed. God sees your heart, and I am sure He will give you peace concerning his will for now.
_____________________________
AriaPeaceful
Psalm 126:5 (NLT)
Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
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